Sex Therapy Berlin Berlin and online
✓ helps couples who have differences in desire or needs, sexual dysfunctions, affairs and much more.
✓ helps women who have questions around female sexuality
✓ for sex education and practical tips to improve your love life
There is More than One Way to Love
We rarely marry the person with whom we have the best sex of our lives. Other qualities are often more important for a lifelong commitment.
Nevertheless, sexuality and intimacy in long-term relationships is almost always an emotionally charged topic that can cause problems. Loss of desire, desire for something other than your partner, desire for something else with someone else, sex with someone else, or it simply doesn't work anymore. A relationship (mostly) consists of not only an emotional connection, but also a physical one.
Sex Therapy Overview
Relationship
Dynamics
Changes in the relationship over the years, a loss of emotional connection, and a lack of communication about sexual needs lead to problems, especially in a long-term relationship. Often, nothing is more boring than a marital routine, and desire diminishes. You still want sex, but not with your partner. Tough, but true. Even for those who claim that sex just isn’t important to them anymore. One trigger and their arousal level goes through the roof!
Sex Therapy - for Couples and Individuals
For couples, sexuality can be addressed as a separate issue or as part of couples therapy. The latter is more common.
Individual therapy with women is often about issues of lack of desire, exploring their needs and desires, and exploring their sexual self.
It is always a lot about knowledge. We know intuitively how reproduction works. Every animal knows it intuitively. The knowledge of how good sex works in a long term relationship is not innate. We have to learn it! Or did you know that women and men have completely different arousal curves and that their sexuality is very different? That from the mid-30s onwards it is sometimes not enough to have your partner as the sole source of arousal and that a little phantasy or a little help may be necessary? That the function of the clitoris is very different for each woman and what works for one woman may not work for another? That there is a huge difference between a mere "orgasmic discharge" and a wonderful orgasm? Or that an immobile pelvis can cause significant erectile dysfunction, but that there are quick fixes?
This kind of knowledge is not taught in school. Sex therapists must undergo very intensive training and continuing education before they can pass on their knowledge.
The sexual Desire
Here I highlight one aspect of the complex topic of desire.
Sex Therapy Topics
✓ Different ideas about how often to have sex
✓ Different sexual practices
✓ Infidelity
✓ Too much stress for sex
✓ Lack of communication skills about the subject
✓ Too little or too much sexual desire from either partner
✓ Orgasm or erectile dysfunction
✓ Lack of knowledge about how to make sex fun
✓ Alienation in long-term relationships
It is important for me to emphasize one thing up front: if sex doesn't feel good, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It's about what works for the two of you, and that is different for every couple and every person, and only in very few cases has any real pathological value. Everything is alright as long as you're not suffering from it. If you do and want to have better sex, seek help!
The Goal of
Sex Counseling
The goal of sex counseling is not only to have more fun again or to have a sex life to begin with, but also to create more closeness, connection and understanding for each other.
Communication about the subject is improved and partners open up to each other again. A perhaps shameful topic becomes (nearly) as normal as small talk and yet something very special for both parties involved.
Imagination and desire are stimulated and the relationship becomes more relaxed, harmonious and simply more beautiful. A bit like in the beginning, when everything was new. Is this goal always achieved?
Let's be realistic: unfortunately not! It's not always possible to organize your sex life in a way that makes you both happy. But it's always worth trying. It's always worth getting to know yourself and the other person better as sexual beings.
How to get started with Sex Therapy?
You can make an appointment in my office or we can work online. You can make an appointment preferably via doctolib, or you can use email, phone or the contact form.
I have two main areas of focus in sexual counseling:
1. Addressing sexual issues within the relationship dynamic for couples of all sexual orientations.
2. Assisting women in a one-on-one setting with all issues related to female sexuality. This has nothing to do with discrimination against men, but with specialization and in-depth training in this topic, which is often associated with shame and potential for conflict in this society. It requires special sensitivity and expertise.
In the first session, we get to the heart of your challenges. At the same time, we will look at other issues of the couple that may be making sexuality difficult and find solutions to those as well.
It is important to facilitate communication. If you can't talk about your preferences, desires and problems in bed, you will never have a satisfying relationship. I will also give you homework to think about, but of course I will also give you homework to practice.
It's important for me to point out that you don't HAVE to say or do anything you don't want to. If it is too early to talk about something or you feel uncomfortable, we will go at your pace and everything will happen at the right time.
The female Desire
Men and women are sexually from different planets. Hardly anyone knows this. While men oftentimes still feel spontaneous desire for their partners even after years, it's different for women. In the infatuation phase, just thinking about him was enough. A look, a touch, and she was already aroused. It was the infatuation itself that was enough, the deep desire to merge.
A leap into the future: 5 years later, the hormones of the rose-colored glasses have faded. The love is there, the lust is not. That's right, because unlike with men, lust is not the same as arousal, it is then rather the decision to have sex and see if arousal sets in. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. Now it depends on what you do with it and how much sexual learning has taken place.
It is therefore even more important for the woman than for the man to learn what arouses her, to explore her desires, and to be curious about what works and what does not. Sex can be learned, the brain (and the vagina) does not have that knowledge on its own. There are books, movies and video tutorials, such as the wonderful sex lessons on the OMG Yes website.
Often, of course, general advice is not enough and we need to address your specific concerns much more individually, which is where sex counseling comes in. Let's talk about it!
Therapeutic Approach
I work according to the "Sexocorporel", which is a clinical sex therapy that looks at people as a whole, with all their thoughts, emotions, feelings and the environment in which they live. In addition, there are influences from Ulrich Clement's systemic sex therapy and David Schnarch's research on intimacy and desire and sexual dysfunctions.
Specific Case Study Sex Counseling
Identifying the Lack of Desire
To give you an idea of how sex therapy can work, let's look at a typical (but fictional) example.
Tina and James came to counseling because Tina no longer wanted to have sex with him. In fact, they hadn't had any intimacy since the birth of their child five years ago. Even before that, their sexuality wasn't very exciting. Focusing on the child and not having the energy to focus on their partner again didn't help their desire.
After asking around, I found out that Tina was not lacking desire, she just didn't want to have the sex they were having. But she didn't know what she wanted instead. Nut she knew that she definitely wasn't sex without emotional intimacy. But what she did know (and this is the prerequisite for working together) was that she wanted to have fun in bed and really figure out how to do it. So I took a two-pronged approach.
Couple Dynamics & Reflection
1. We looked at the couple's dynamics to make them more positive, clear up misunderstandings and come to new, workable agreements. They also needed to reconnect emotionally.
2. I gave them both self-study recommendations to get to know their own sexuality better; explored during the sessions what was already working and what needed improvement; and did one-on-one sessions with Tina where I worked with her to find out exactly what she was doing to NOT desire. I also showed her some physical exercises to help her better explore her own pleasure.
Creating Intimacy & Pleasure
The key here was to take things slowly. Reviving sexual desire is not something that usually happens overnight. Slowly but surely, more intimacy was restored, which allowed for physical advances. A few weeks after the first session, they had intimacy again. Of course, the goal of satisfying sexuality had not yet been achieved, but being together was already much nicer and the first touches felt very good. The way was paved for much more.
Three Tips for Improving Your Sex Life
1. Open Communication
Talk about it. Tell your partner what you like and don't like.
If you have no idea (which is often the case!) - be curious about yourself and explore your own sexuality, even alone at first.
Solo sex is an important step in experimenting. Educate yourself, read books, watch movies, talk to friends.
2. Passionate Foreplay
In many cases, a woman's arousal comes later.
While a man is often already aroused when he sits next to her on the sofa, it takes a while for a woman to get going. She needs to be touched before she becomes aroused.
Foreplay is very important and the woman should have an idea of what her path to pleasure looks like. He can't know, only she knows how she reacts to what kind of touch. If she doesn’t, well, then find out!
3. Varied Practices
Provide variety. Play an erotic game, experiment with places, clothes, language, practices, watch erotic movies together, etc.
So, I hope you've already had a few Aha moments. Maybe you have also found out how sex therapy can help you. Feel free to make an appointment with me and I'll see you here in my practice in Charlottenburg or online!
If you have any questions, please send me an email or book your appointment quickly and easily via Doctolib.
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